I thought You were gone

Rasa Ravi, 2021

I thought You were gone but I was wrong.
You didn’t depart from me,
only I couldn’t see You,
because of the wish to relive You in ecstasy,
because of the wish to see You in Your mighty glory
blinded my senses,
hoping to fulfill “let’s be only You in me,”
hoping to mean “let’s be only You in You.”

But I was wrong.
You have been with me all the time,
and now lectured me with great impact.
You have been in me all the time,
playing with my emotions like leaves fluttering in a gale.
You have been in me all the time,
in my conscience, deep in my heart.
Wrong, wrong! I have no conscience!
I have You instead.

It is You who resides here, who bubbles up
when my thoughts and deeds dissatisfy You.
Then You show no mercy and stomp me down to the bottom.
When my thoughts and deeds are ego-centered,
You become infuriated and shake me to my bones.
When my thoughts and deeds hurt and are not just,
You are enraged, showing me the dark side, inside.
When my thoughts and deeds are against Your will,
You are furious, bringing me hideous nightmares.

Like now,
not feeling Your presence as before
I slid into desperation,
and I tried to approach You by force,
even against Your “not now.”
How untrustworthy I am,
how much I lie to myself.
Even now, I am too much of myself,
still, I am too much for myself.

Disillusioned in me, You let me feel my downswing,
You dumped the High Tatra mountains on my chest,
pushing me into the bottomless ground,
hardly catching my breath, suffocating,
because I almost lost my faith
by not trusting You to be patient.
What a villainous man I am,
not worthy to be a slave to You.

I am crying and crying,
seeking solace in You to be forgiven.
Hear me out, O Goddess,
hear my lamentation,
please forgive me.
I am just an ordinary man,
so doubtable in trust,
so ruefully poor in faith,
but so strong in ego-centered wish
and so harmful to Your grace.
Please, don’t turn Your eyes away from me,
show me how to be a good slave to You
who doesn’t think for himself.

Your Heart is so sublime and vast,
myriads of worlds couldn’t find Its end.
You are cruel but also merciful.
You revealed to me that You are here,
deep inside,
always.

I thought You were gone but I was wrong.